Amazing how a year can change things

My 27th birthday is less than a week away and I can't help thinking about what my life was like last year. My attitude and outlook on life could not be more different now than it was then. Let me take you back to December 2009.

December 18, 2009 was the day I found out I was pregnant. I was totally surprised. Jason and I weren't actively trying to start a family, but we weren't preventing. We figured it would take me a little while to get pregnant. After the shock passed, the excitement set in. We were going to be parents in August 2010!

Fast forward 2 weeks. I started feeling really awful - not what I was expecting as far as morning sickness. I had a terrible feeling that something wasn't right. I couldn't make it until my 8 week appointment - I needed yo go in earlier. I went in for an impromptu appointment on January 6, 2010. I will never forget that day. Since the appointment was so last minute, Jason couldn't come with me. Maybe that was for the best. When I was waiting in the doctor's office, I started feeling better. Relief set in - everything was going to be ok. I was just being paranoid. The doctor started the ultrasound and right away I could tell that I was wrong. Everything was not ok. "I'm sorry'" she said, "but I dont see a baby." she showed me the screen. My face got hot and my eyes filled with tears. What do you mean - I'm not pregnant? What about the 4 positive pregnancy tests? I was confused, angry, heartbroken. The doctor then told me she was concerned because there appeared to be excess fluid in my uterus and she wanted to get it checked out. At this point, I'm barely listening. I just want to get out of there and go home. My doctor told me I need to go to the radiologoical center to get an ultrasound done on my ovaries and Fallopian tubes. I asked the doctor what she is thinking. "Ectopic pregnancy" she tells me. My heart sank. This wasn't the first time I had heard this term. Jason and I had met this couple from Canada on our honeymoon and we had been keeping in touch with them. They had suffered 2 ectopic pregnancies a few months after we met them. I immediately researched them and I was horrified at what that poor girl and to go through. For those of you that don't know what an ectopic pregnancy is, it is when the embryo implants somewhere besides the uterus, most often in one of the Fallopian tubes.

The doctor says I need to go to the other ultrasound right away. I called Jason hysterically crying. He was being strong but I could hear the hurt in his voice. He dropped everything and met me at the radiological center. I finally compose myself enough to make it inside. The ultrasound tech asked me questions but gave me nothing in return. At this point, I'm sad about the loss of our baby but I'm also terrified that something is wrong with my tubes or ovaries. After waiting for what seems like forever, I finally got to talk to a doctor. He told me that they didn't find the baby, it looked like the pregnancy had already ruptured. He said he didn't see anything that cused him concern, but I would have to meet with my doctor the next morning. So after the longest and most challenging day of my life, I'm still left with questions.

The next day, my doctor told me it most definitely was an ectopic pregnancy and I would need a dose of a chemotherapy drug to flush the dead fetal tissue out of my system. Talk a out. Lot to swallow. I felt like I was killing my baby, but the doctor assured me there was nothing to kill. The drug took a few days to work, but when it did it made me sick - really sick. I missed a lot of work due to that and the depression I was in. I was not only depreessed about the failed pregnancy but bout the possibility of not being able to have children. See, once you have one ectopic pregnancy, you are more likely to have another. Go through that again? No thank you. At this time I was going to the doctor for weekly blood draws to make sure my hcg levels were going down. Finally toward the end of February, my levels bottomed out. It only took 7 weeks. We were one step cozier to trying again. I was anxious!!

A short while later I turned 26. It was probably the worst birthday I could imagine. I was in such a depression. I didn't want to be around people at all. Jason was so strong for me, but I'm sure he thought he would never get his wife back. Luckily, with my birthday came the return of my cycles. At this point, my doctor ordered an HSG. it is a procedure where the do an ultrasound in your uterus and tubes while shooting iodine in your system to see if there is any blockage. I had to wait a few days for answers. When I went to talk to my doctor she told me that my left tube was blocked. Whether it was always blocked or was a result of the ectopic pregnancy, there is no way to know. Her recommendation - remove the bad tube. It wasn't going to help me and could end up causing another ectopic. Ok, I was prepared for this. I knew it was for the best, but I was scared of only having one tube. Wouldn't it take me longer to get pregnant - maybe. What if something bad happened to my other tube? But really what was my choice?

So April 12, 2010 I had a laproscopic procedure to remove my left tube. When the procedure was over I felt both relieved and broken. It was a tough week, but I had my family and friends supporting me (especially my mom and hubby who took such good care of me). When I went back to work the next week, I was more like myself. It was like taking out the bad tube took out the bad feelings. I wasn't back to my old self by any means but I was healing. A couple of weeks later I met with my doctor. She told me we could start trying in 2 months. They were the longest 2 months of my life!! I'm sure I was driving Jadon nuts by this point.

I was convinced after 2 months of trying that I couldn't get pregnant. August passed and I got sad thinking about our child we should have been welcoming into the world. I told myself I need to stop worrying about trying so hard and just let God take over. Then on September 12, 2010 (our second wedding anniversary) I felt the urge to take a pregnancy test even though I was days away from being late. Low and behold it came back positive. I was shaking so hard, I couldn't figure out if I was imagining it or not. I showed it to Jason and we both just starred at it for the longest time. I immediately called my doctor and she did some preliminary blood work on me. Jason and I told ourselves not to get our hopes up. We did nit want to go through the up and down again. Finally we got to go in for an ultrasound and we got to see our little miracle safetly in my uterus. I was so relieved but still so nervous. I think I've been nervous throughout this whole pregnancy. It's been hard at times to be excited because even this far into my pregnancy, I feel the worries creep into my brain.

But I've definitely gotten a lot stronger and I feel more optimistic than ever. I feel so blessed and I cannot believe where this past year has taken me. If you had told me last year tha I would be 12 weeks from welcoming my baby into this world, u would have thought you were nuts.

As I was writing this, I started thinking about the many women out there going through something similar. I know how hard it is to watch couple after couple get pregnant and wishing it desperatkey it could be your turn. I know it sounds cheesy, but keep the faith. I've seen miracles happen for a lot of people. If there is anything I learned going through my journey, it's that there is a lot of couples having a hard time trying to start families. You are not alone, and I've found some if the best therapy is talking to people with similar circumstances.

God bless you.